My crazy mind

I have a lot going on in my life lately. I feel like my mind is racing with thoughts. I try so hard to be there for everyone. To be the perfect mother, friend and sister/daughter. But it seems no matter how hard I try I'm always failing. You would think I'd be use to it, but I'm not. My friend mel says that the greatest thing about me is that I don't ever pick sides. I'm always there to listen and be there for people. Ok well thats great. Who is there for me? I had someone who was there for me. That was in love with me and I threw it away. Know why? Because he wanted me to choose. I don't choose. If you want to be in my life you have to deal with everything that comes with it. But it sucks. I'll always be the person that no one ever seems to want there, but I go anyway. Its just like when I was growing up. My sister Jamie always got to go on vacations with my sister and her family and I was left at home. My mom said that when I got older I could go too. I remember asking my mom that since I was older now, could I go this year. She would always say no. Whenever we went to my cousins house my cousins and sister would always play and I felt like I was the one chasing them. Or when I married Chris, I never got a bridal shower from his family, we never got a rehearsal dinner or anything like that. But when his sister in law marries into the family heaven forbid she gets it all! The bridal shower, the dinner, the glory. Ya see how well that turned out? They treated chris and I like the plague. I always felt bad for him. Or what about me begging my sister to be able to plan a baby shower for my niece. Believe it or not I love and care about my family and want to be apart of it. Know what I'm told? Its not going to happen Britney. Accept it. No I will not accept it! I am part of this screwed up family too and I want to act like it! Pahhh. That's never going to happen because someone has her head all screwed up with this covering up and she doesn't seem to get she is single handedly ruing my life!
I never had any friends in my younger days. As a matter of fact I was more of tortured! Pretty sure no one knows the hell I went through when I was younger. Anyway that is a whole other matter. I always feel like I'm making an ass out of myself because I just SUCK at words. I try to say one thing and it comes out a whole different way and people just stare at me while I struggle to explain what I meant to say. I'm cursed.
Anyway I'm saying all this because I live with my 3 best friends. Well I'm more of the person that is just there to pay more than half the rent. And I live in the hell hole. But I feel like I've tried to make it look good down there. Well, I also am the one that is always there to listen, give my advice, and listen. I'm the one that sits at home while they go out. They never invite me unless its a oh by the way if you want to go sort of thing. Well yes I would like to go tubing. Well yes I would like to go fishing. Well yes I would like to go to a movie or bowling or play tennis, go for a hike. Whatever. But on no, heaven forbid that I get invited. Its just because they talk about it in front of me. You know what makes me a great friend? I don't say boozer look at this and ignore your existence. I say hey you guys do you want to do this? Listen to this! Or what do you think about this? I WOULD NEVER leave someone out on purpose. People say they don't. Know what I have to say to that? Bull! When your man is making you mad I am sitting right there and you show the person that drives you nuts and don't even bother showing me. And you wonder why I don't like being here. Hmmmm. I will always be the one left out and you'd think I'd learn to live with it by now. But I don't want to. Its first of all not fair and second its not right. So while I sit at home, you go fishing. But no worries, I'll just find something better to do. Because I'm tired of being the one that is there for everyone to listen, to attempt to make smile while having a bad day while I sit around wishing someone would be there for me. And I have now gotten to the point where I say I don't need anyone.
Which brings me to my last point... I don't believe in Love. Everyone says, well you love Bryn don't you? Yes, of course, but its different. Falling in love is just a reason for your heart to get stomped on. I'm good thanks tho.
Anyway... now everyone knows how I feel about my crazy brain that doesn't stop. But this is my goal in life....
1. I am going to be open to the possibilities of falling in love with someone and actually being happy.
2. I don't care if you like me or want to hang out with me, its your lose not mine. Because like I said, I am a great friend. I am the one person who will never purposely let you done.
3. I will find my sunshine self again if it kills me. Just you watch!
4. I will no longer let my brain control my heart

Spending time with Family

My nephews first hair cut :) He did good for 2.

Maggie and Bryn being... well girls. haha. Sometimes I think Bryn was suppose to be a boy.

This is my brother in law Jeremy. He is a goof ball. Which is probably why I love him. :)

The girls just hanging out having a smore. Oh and Zack.

Bryn had a hard time at first, but she did good after I bribed her. Haha. I don't know why she was scared of the water that day. She is usually a squid. By the way she may not look like me, but you can't deny that she has my smile :) Ear to Ear.

Zack is a crazy kid

Jeremy and I getting zack to swim.

This right here is what I love and want. To just spend time with my family and feel like it's never possible.

Just Having Fun

Bryn tracing Karisa

Bryn has a big head. Haha

Me, the goob and Karisa

Aunt Karisa tracing Brynlee

The art work...

Yes bryn gets her big head from me.

I love this girl more than anything and I don't think people really understand the struggles I go through. I honestly don't know what I'd do without the girls help. There are times where I don't think I can do it and they always seem to step in and help me. Which is really what I need in my life right now.Someone I can depend on.

My Birthday

Elayne and Erica

It was an amazing party, however I felt like I didn't know half the people that came. There was a least 30 people that came. Never knew I was so loved... haha. Right. It was a party there are bound for people to come to that. Anyway here are my friends that made my birthday grand.

Juttin and Karisa

Adrian, Elayne and Justin

ME, Justin and Karisa. See all the people in the background? No idea what there names are.

Mel and Benny, acting tough. Haha

Kari, me and Karisa

Justin, Adrian, Kari, me, Tyler, and Karisa

Dahlen

I only know Mike and Dusty. haha ;)

Erika, Karisa, Ashlee, Elayne, Me, Adrian and Mel...All the single ladies ;)

Once again only know Dusty in the blue

Only know Dahlen

Mel and her brother Mike

Elayne, Juttin and Me

Karisa and Benny in the back ground, Me, Elayne and Adrian

Adrian and Juttin

Erika and Reb

Ash

Elayne and Ash
Kari and her man and for some reason I can't remember his name ;$
Reb and Elayne
Adrian, Justina and Mel
Mel and Adrian
Karisa, Kari and Elayne
Benny and Karisa
Scott and Brittany
Karisa and her the love... The Flamingo
My lady Karisa. I don't know what I would've done with out her that night. People were in bad moods and ruining my party and she kept me sane. I have to wonder who my real friends are sometimes.
Tyler, Me, Benny and Mel
Me and Tyler. And no he is just a good friend... Erase that. Was a good friend.
Adrian, Me, Mel, Erika, Elayne and Karisa
Mel and me
ME and Elayne
Mel, me and Elayne


So even those the party was epic, pretty sure the best part of my day was going swimming with Dusty, Adriana, Camdyn, Brynlee and me. :)