My crazy mind

I have a lot going on in my life lately. I feel like my mind is racing with thoughts. I try so hard to be there for everyone. To be the perfect mother, friend and sister/daughter. But it seems no matter how hard I try I'm always failing. You would think I'd be use to it, but I'm not. My friend mel says that the greatest thing about me is that I don't ever pick sides. I'm always there to listen and be there for people. Ok well thats great. Who is there for me? I had someone who was there for me. That was in love with me and I threw it away. Know why? Because he wanted me to choose. I don't choose. If you want to be in my life you have to deal with everything that comes with it. But it sucks. I'll always be the person that no one ever seems to want there, but I go anyway. Its just like when I was growing up. My sister Jamie always got to go on vacations with my sister and her family and I was left at home. My mom said that when I got older I could go too. I remember asking my mom that since I was older now, could I go this year. She would always say no. Whenever we went to my cousins house my cousins and sister would always play and I felt like I was the one chasing them. Or when I married Chris, I never got a bridal shower from his family, we never got a rehearsal dinner or anything like that. But when his sister in law marries into the family heaven forbid she gets it all! The bridal shower, the dinner, the glory. Ya see how well that turned out? They treated chris and I like the plague. I always felt bad for him. Or what about me begging my sister to be able to plan a baby shower for my niece. Believe it or not I love and care about my family and want to be apart of it. Know what I'm told? Its not going to happen Britney. Accept it. No I will not accept it! I am part of this screwed up family too and I want to act like it! Pahhh. That's never going to happen because someone has her head all screwed up with this covering up and she doesn't seem to get she is single handedly ruing my life!
I never had any friends in my younger days. As a matter of fact I was more of tortured! Pretty sure no one knows the hell I went through when I was younger. Anyway that is a whole other matter. I always feel like I'm making an ass out of myself because I just SUCK at words. I try to say one thing and it comes out a whole different way and people just stare at me while I struggle to explain what I meant to say. I'm cursed.
Anyway I'm saying all this because I live with my 3 best friends. Well I'm more of the person that is just there to pay more than half the rent. And I live in the hell hole. But I feel like I've tried to make it look good down there. Well, I also am the one that is always there to listen, give my advice, and listen. I'm the one that sits at home while they go out. They never invite me unless its a oh by the way if you want to go sort of thing. Well yes I would like to go tubing. Well yes I would like to go fishing. Well yes I would like to go to a movie or bowling or play tennis, go for a hike. Whatever. But on no, heaven forbid that I get invited. Its just because they talk about it in front of me. You know what makes me a great friend? I don't say boozer look at this and ignore your existence. I say hey you guys do you want to do this? Listen to this! Or what do you think about this? I WOULD NEVER leave someone out on purpose. People say they don't. Know what I have to say to that? Bull! When your man is making you mad I am sitting right there and you show the person that drives you nuts and don't even bother showing me. And you wonder why I don't like being here. Hmmmm. I will always be the one left out and you'd think I'd learn to live with it by now. But I don't want to. Its first of all not fair and second its not right. So while I sit at home, you go fishing. But no worries, I'll just find something better to do. Because I'm tired of being the one that is there for everyone to listen, to attempt to make smile while having a bad day while I sit around wishing someone would be there for me. And I have now gotten to the point where I say I don't need anyone.
Which brings me to my last point... I don't believe in Love. Everyone says, well you love Bryn don't you? Yes, of course, but its different. Falling in love is just a reason for your heart to get stomped on. I'm good thanks tho.
Anyway... now everyone knows how I feel about my crazy brain that doesn't stop. But this is my goal in life....
1. I am going to be open to the possibilities of falling in love with someone and actually being happy.
2. I don't care if you like me or want to hang out with me, its your lose not mine. Because like I said, I am a great friend. I am the one person who will never purposely let you done.
3. I will find my sunshine self again if it kills me. Just you watch!
4. I will no longer let my brain control my heart